Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
*watches the world burn*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: