They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
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My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Feels
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*