Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
You Might Also Like
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.