fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’