Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
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*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good