embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
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Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster