[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
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That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on