trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
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Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up