“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
bro what is going on at twitter
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
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Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u