“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
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I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.