Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
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PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives