Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Pigeon open mic night.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.