if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
You got this…
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
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[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.