ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Just say no
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?