Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
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Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[the middle of showering] I need a break
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
doing your own taxes
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*