The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Donkey Kong sommelier
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
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when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being