Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Meow
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.