Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
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I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.