[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
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[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
your honor my client chooses dare
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”