Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Sorry I made promises on Friday
wow
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go