Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
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YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)