*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan