Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I can’t deal with men any longer
Just grow your own
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find