when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Found the job I’m suited for
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.