Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
You Might Also Like
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.