You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
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We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time