My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
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I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.