centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
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The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm鈥hat鈥檚 confidence.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I鈥檓 going to jail.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Why am I like this?
Don鈥檛 check on your introverted friends this time of year. They鈥檙e probably turning their lights off and pretending they鈥檙e not home
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Me: why don鈥檛 you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I鈥檓 5
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Oh you think I鈥檓 funny? Name three of my jokes.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Stooooppp!!! 馃槀馃槀
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he鈥檚 a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he鈥檚 orange and we found him in an alley
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Sucks how every girl I鈥檓 interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.