GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
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Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
bought wrong eggs
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
I told my vodka about you.