That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
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Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Every BBC series about the universe.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*