me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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it’s either covid or clever vampires
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS