me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
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Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood