I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
When you’ve simply given up.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”