Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
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today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.