Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
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*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
the noise i just made
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser