I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
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Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
eggs benadryl
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.