Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
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Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.