“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You Might Also Like
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
So sick of all these stupid rules
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store