selfie game
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When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.