It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
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Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
This probably isn’t good
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?