[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.