DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
#StillHurts
Only Americans understand
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
*names my little horse OneTrick*
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me