Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
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Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Childbirth is so beautiful
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
shampoo implies shampee
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
“That’s what” – She
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
doing your own taxes