Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
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“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
I am yelling
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
good let them take over I have had enough
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64