Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
You Might Also Like
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
*puts my mental health in rice
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength