I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount