If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
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You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”