What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.