My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
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Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds