God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”